So, love and feels and all that shit is gonna be all up in here, always.... so, feel free to ignore if you are here for the vanlife stuff and not the semi unrelated Cancer feels....
SO MANY FEELS!!!!!
Yeah... so, here's my question: why do people lie? like I get it... I was an addict for a long time. I lied from the time I was young, as a survival mechanism. I needed to lie when I was younger. And then when I was slightly older, I lied out of habit... I took that into my addiction as a kind of natural skill.
When I got clean on 6/21/2007, I stopped all that. I learned skills to be an adult: emotion regulation, distress tolerance, self care, and rigorous honesty.
That doesn't mean I am an asshole under the guise of being "blunt." It just means I am transparent, and real. I won't sleep with multiples unless all are aware; I won't cheat; I won't even flirt if I'm in something. I just tell the truth. It's pretty easy actually...
I guess 29 year old me gets the lying... I was afraid that the world would be cruel to me if I were honest; or that I would lose out; that people wouldn't be able to hold that space for me. I guess I still operated from a 13 year old or 5 year old me space.... The world wasn't safe then. The people who were supposed to protect me and love me and be there for me weren't. I was alone. So 29 year old me was still operating from that space of fear.
But then I got clean.
Then I got therapy.
Then I fixed my shit.
Then I grew up and became an adult who healed that wounded little one inside me.
I learned to emotionally regulate. I learned that self care is sexy.
So now I practice rigorous, radical honesty.
And in the end, that leads to me being hurt sometimes.... I mean, I guess it's not my honesty that causes the hurt. It's others' lack there of....
so, how the ef does this relate to vanlife????
I dunno. Maybe it doesn’t.
I’m still interested in meeting my person even in #vanlife. So this creates a conundrum. Being a single woman in vanlife means I have to protect myself and be weary of a lot of folks and situations. But/and I have to trust someone to fall in love. They have to show they are trustworthy. But I feel like most people aren’t. And yet... still... I believe in possibilities....
Edited to add: I figured out what this has to do with Vanlife!!! So you solo Vanlifers will probably understand this feeling- it can be very lonely. It sometimes feels like I have the whole world in front of me, but other times it feels like I live in between constantly. I feel like I am homeless, groundless. When I have a plan for two to three weeks, I’m good. But when connections end, and I can go anywhere, I feel lost and alone. Like no one wants me. This makes connecting on the road even more valuable and meaningful to me.
Do the world a favor and be kind. Be honest.
see you on the road.