But still I fantasize about running.
So I will admit that something so attractive about this #vanlife is that: the idea that I could fall in love and then just go. Leave. No feelings.
See: Better than chocolate or Closer
But I don’t think I’m that person. I have feelings.
Some of you know I have spent many years single. My days have been pretty lonely for the last few years. I am hella independent and love my alone times but a few months of getting over my last ex turned into years and some weekends felt like a pit of solitude. I would walk for hours listening to audiobooks; watch movies; and hold my own hand while I slept. I’m fine with solitude. In fact I love it. But this was too much.
In February I made a decision that changed all that. I have been dating and playing and it’s been awesome. I’ve felt attractive and have found a confidence I haven’t had in years.
Then this other factor arose- folx who were attracted to the dream more than they were attracted to me. I mean, yeah.... this sabbatical and the life of travel and vanlife is so attractive. But get your own life. Get your own dream. Perhaps they were attracted to me but not more than they were attracted to the lifestyle and the dream.
I experienced the same thing when I lived in a tiny house. People are so attracted to that dream, but few people enough to do it on their own.
so now I date. I am trying to stay open. I don’t want to shut it down. I want to find that person who also wants to show up and leap with me. That pragmatic dreamer who can meet me on this path....
until then: https://youtu.be/dl_EEnR5kJg
yes. I am sure we will revisit this topic because in the end, I am a cancer. I love love. And still hope one day I will find my person.