Ever since I watched the movie Closer, I have fantasized about pulling something like Natalie Portman’s character pulled... actually most of my favorite movies involve some kind of running away scenario. I doubt it would be possible in this social media era.

But still I fantasize about running.

So I will admit that something so attractive about this #vanlife is that: the idea that I could fall in love and then just go. Leave. No feelings.

See: Better than chocolate or Closer

But I don’t think I’m that person. I have feelings.

Some of you know I have spent many years single. My days have been pretty lonely for the last few years. I am hella independent and love my alone times but a few months of getting over my last ex turned into years and some weekends felt like a pit of solitude. I would walk for hours listening to audiobooks; watch movies; and hold my own hand while I slept. I’m fine with solitude. In fact I love it. But this was too much.

In February I made a decision that changed all that. I have been dating and playing and it’s been awesome. I’ve felt attractive and have found a confidence I haven’t had in years.

Then this other factor arose- folx who were attracted to the dream more than they were attracted to me. I mean, yeah.... this sabbatical and the life of travel and vanlife is so attractive. But get your own life. Get your own dream. Perhaps they were attracted to me but not more than they were attracted to the lifestyle and the dream.

I experienced the same thing when I lived in a tiny house. People are so attracted to that dream, but few people enough to do it on their own.

so now I date. I am trying to stay open. I don’t want to shut it down. I want to find that person who also wants to show up and leap with me. That pragmatic dreamer who can meet me on this path....

until then: https://youtu.be/dl_EEnR5kJg

yes. I am sure we will revisit this topic because in the end, I am a cancer. I love love. And still hope one day I will find my person.

Well, #vanlife is not awesome today.

Drove through the Red Stick and found out my left blinker was broken.... so, I replaced not just the bulb (which was melted into the socket), but the entire socket, all by myself!

Still on a high from that scrappy femme moment, I was off to Hot Springs National Park!

Rolling through Louisiana with my AC on, I was feeling fine! Until, my engine started making a very loud reving noise...

I pulled off the highway, googled "signs your transmission is broken" and waited for the Tow Truck....

In good news, at least I had AC!

2 hours later, I was towed to Alexandria LA.... The place we took it won't even be able to LOOK at it until next Monday! So, I got a hotel, reserved a car for the week, and then called around for another place. Tomorrow I will take it to the other place and fingers crossed that some small miracle happens like with the AC and the Cooling system that it's not an entire transmission rebuild.

^^^ Not how I wanted to see #Medusavan

I need to find a way to stop spending so much money.... I am really feeling torn, because I want to be in cities with people, but I don't yet feel comfortable van camping in a city....

In the meantime, send woo and I will happily accept all paypal, venmo, or cash donations!

From Austin, I stopped in Houston (hoping for a date that never happened). Then rolled through the Red Stick (I'll be back) for some coffee!

Next- NoLa to have fun and get the AC fixed.

The saga of the AC has involved 6 (YES SIX) mechanics.... 2 in Berkeley- said they couldn't fix it.... 1 in LA said he wasn't sure if it was updated and didn't want to risk ruining his machine; 1in Austin said the same thing and 1 said they didn't know... I came to New Orleans planning to get it fully retrofitted, for about $2000. I just needed it fixed so I could continue. It's not sustainable without AC. Well, Mark's Midcity Service for the win!!!! They took it, and voila! $200! It was retrofitted!!!!

So, I came to NoLa, where I had so much fun and caught up with old friends and new!

but, yeah, I'm gonna need some vegetables.... Next discussion- how the eff do I stay healthy in the south! Off to Hot Springs National Park and Nashville tomorrow!

okay, real talk.... I was quickly melting into Austin. I had a mild breakdown in Sweetwater, TX.... I was so way overheated.... For folks who don't know, I am a kidney donor... so I need a lot of water to stay healthy. Also, I have always been prone to overheating... I was so way too overheated driving through the pits of hell that call themselves TX. Also, it's really hard as a heavily tattooed unicorn to be in TX because everyone stares at me all the time. Despite the occasional woman at a 7-11 who was PSYCHED to see a tattooed woman, I just can't handle the (bless her heart) attention.

But after a talk with my mom (mom is always good for a talk! <3), I decided to try to get my AC fixed in Austin (big trucks. Fords, they have to be able to fix it!).

I pulled the driver side shade and stopped every 90 mins for water (something harder than it sounds based on the previously mentioned freak show factor). I made it to Austin where I stayed with one of my best friends, Kris and his amazing family. This was such a sweet respite. The joy of old friends is that you can just pick right back up. His family was amazing and easy. We just chatted and then fixed the previously effed solar system and walls! It was actually really fun. Kris and I work so well together, having previously built an apartment together. Unlike the previous folks I worked with in attempt at fixing my solar, he knows I am competent.... He assumes competency and we talk things through.

I installed the dead bolt so no more fear of bears!

After many many days. We finally figured out what was wrong, and now I have fans and a water pump wired in! It literally was an hour before I left....

I am so grateful for that time in Austin. Kris and Family (including the monopoly game!) were just what I needed!!!

I mean, I always knew I sucked at keeping up with a journal or diary or blog, but.... yeah, trying to keep up with the early stages of van life AND blogging.... I'll try to catch up soon!

First things first: I did not get eaten by a bear. I know you probably thought I did, with the lack of posts and ghosting...

Woke up the following morning, and drove around the Grand Canyon National Park. Definitely wish I had more time there, so will hopefully go back for a few days. 

It really was spectacular.

I know I am really settling into the joy of road trips because I switched from audiobooks and podcasts to music and belted out the Nervous But Excited version of World Spins Madly On.

so, then I think I was planning to go 8 hours and stay at another camp, stopping to work out and shower at the gym... but 5 hours in, no AC.... I just was melting and not doing well. Decided to stop at a hotel in Arizona. Self care is sexy!

The following day, I heading to the Petrified Forest National Park. So cool! It really is so magical to think of all the amazing places on the earth!

also, I got my annual National Parks pass!

Holy. Crap. This is terrifying. I am in the middle of Kaibob National Forest. Alone. In a van.

In good news, this is my view

i think it will be ok. Right? But I sure do hope I don’t get eaten by a bear. Doors locked; keys in the ignition. So I can bounce quick if needed. Black bears can’t get into my van right?

I guess this is one of those situations that is something like- you just do it scared.
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Left LA and headed for Vegas after brunch with my aunt. She gave me a gift from my mom, that completely summarizes all the hope I have at this beginning....

drove in cool and steady! No overheating! yay! Feeling weird about parking Medusa and staying at a hotel, although I still haven't camped in her yet. When I parked her, there were a few other vans parked in the lot that are obviously being slept in... Maybe I'll try that next time!

Staying here for an extra night to connect with some folks and then off to the real van life! Scared but feeling ready. Feeling super introspective right now, after a month or two of a lot of extrovert time... I think it will be good, and challenging to spend some time with myself in nature!