Being alone on New Year’s Eve is not new to me. Being alone every weekend isn’t either. I have spent a lot of time in the last 13 years alone. I have gone to bed early on NYE much of the last 14 years.... From writing my dissertation on the Mummers which required that I get up at 4am on New Years Day for the parade; to scheduling a 6am tour of Milford Sound when I was in New Zealand, I have spent so many years alone. So, this year didn’t feel that different to me.

This year did feel very different for other reasons. I’m in Baltimore, cat sitting and getting to know Charm City more.

I had a few offers to hang out last night— a couple sexy fun times.... But I decided to stay in, watch comedy and go to bed early. And for the first time in many years, I woke up happy on New Year’s Day.

I have a lot to be hopeful for. Even though my Vanlife hasn’t happened yet, I am starting a second Masters program in just 3 weeks in Educational Technology. I am hoping to shift my career from teaching to Instructional Design or Distance Education coordinating. And, I am moving to Baltimore in June. I will actually be able to buy a home here! And I have so many friends here already. And, I hope that this career shift will help me become the nomad I have wanted to become.

Last year started with me dealing with two toxic people whose inconsistency made me feel insecure and volatile. I had a hard time feeling grounded this year, because nothing was certain. Little was consistent.

But the decision to go back to school and change career paths is truly the gift of ground for myself. Knowing that I am whole and happy, and I did it for myself feels so good.

I’m not sure I would say I have hope for this year because that isn’t really the feeling in that deep place in my chest. But I do feel like things are moving in that right direction....

Here’s to a better 2021 for us all!

I keep wanting to write the next post, but keep wanting to write it all... the good, the bad... the happy, the sad.... mostly the sad. I know I can’t write it all in one post so I guess I will just start with a bit.

I arrived back in the Bay in mid June. I moved in and got my apartment set up. I really like my apartment and the building! I met my neighbors and they even have had a few movie nights!

I stared running and checked out the neighborhood!

I was able to see some of my favorite people and eat some of my favorite food!

But then reality hit. Things are very stressful for my friends, and at work... and then the fires hit and things have been really hard for a number of months. It feels so out of control. Everything that is happening in the world, with black folks being murdered (I know this is not new); with the pandemic; with the fires; with work stress. It feels like nothing I want a part of...

Literally the one thing that has kept me going is my new spin bike.

I am very very lonely. It feels never ending. I know it isn’t. I know it will get better, but this moment is very hard.

I have a plan. And the plan is giving me some hope.

​BIG changes are coming. I’ll try to figure out how to share that soon (hint: I’m moving and changing jobs!). But I guess I wanted to just get something posted... not that anyone reads this. 🤣😂

​stay safe and wear your mask!! 😷 no one likes a mask hole!

I’ve been back in the bay for about 2 months and damn has it been busy! Before I get into all that (in another post), I will recap my trip back.

First I headed to Baltimore to see friends who have been very careful! It was such a gift to be able to be around people again!!

From Baltimore, I headed to Kentucky to see my dear Fest sister who I haven’t seen in a 5 years! We had fun chatting, and sitting by the fire and going to an insane international grocery store. Just tried to soak up all the love!

From there, I hit the road for the first 5 day journey back to the Bay. It was very weird and scary being in the middle of the country because so few people were wearing masks... I tried to stop as little as possible and I stayed at camp grounds the whole way. I took a small detour to a really nice campground in Wyoming. It was totally worth the extra 3 hours of driving!

And at long last, I made it back to Berkeley, where I moved into my new place!

HUGE thanks to @theDawnofVanlife for helping me move my stuff out of storage!

I love my new place! It’s the perfect size and it has an amazing office nook. My neighbors are all hella cool, and I have met them all! I finally feel like I have a community here, which is such a gift! I’m glad to be home! More on the summer of Covid in another post (I am having a problem with my website program so I had to rewrite this and probably forgot a lot of important things,...

Today marks ONE YEAR since I left for sabbatical and Vanlife...

Remember this from last year?

Things seemed so hopeful then. Scary as fuck, but hopeful.

I was not under the impression that everything would go smoothly and there would not be any bumps... BUT, what happened was the worst case scenario I had outlined when deciding if I wanted to do this thing: the worst case is the van breaks down and isn’t workable, so I buy a new van and convert it in a parking lot somewhere.... And that’s exactly what happened.

To start.....

I spent an insane amount of money on my credit cards trying to figure out this lifestyle. This was fine because I was just going to live in my van when I returned... Even a year of that would have made it all ok....

But instead, I got a liver tumor, had to have half my liver and my gallbladder out, and then left the hospital to a global pandemic.

So, let’s talk about the pandemic and my version of #vanlife.

I am really lucky to have been planning to stay at my mom’s outside Philly, while she is at her partner’s house in Oregon. I am very very grateful for this place to stay during the worst of the Shelter in Place restrictions. I had lots of space to live, and to walk every day without worrying about coming in close contact with others. The grocery stores were relatively well-stocked and I know we are very privileged to have that experience. I was able to heal from my surgery, and start running and doing strength training again! And in good news, 10 weeks post surgery, my liver and kidney function was totally normal! Yay for my amazon organs!!!

But real talk- it is LONELY trying to do this pandemic thing alone! I didn’t get to spend the time with my family I hoped to, or date like I hoped to.... I’ve been in self-isolation since March 2nd and totally alone since March 19th. That’s a lot of alone

I am truly grieving the death of all these plans and dreams and fantasies. Half of my sabbatical was a wash. I have a compromised immune system from my major surgery so I can’t just drive back all willy-nilly. My plans to go to Europe are over and I can’t do FT #vanlife because I don’t have the services I would need to make that happen during the pandemic... Because of that, I can’t even just postpone my epic Europe trip.... I will have to work an overload for 4 years to make this up.

Yes, I am very grateful that I have a job and can work an overload. But that doesn’t change the grief I am experiencing. Dawn of the Dawn of Vanlife and I talked about that (and a lot of other random shit) here.

Ok! Now that I have complained about the loss of so many dreams, let’s talk about the good:

This year has taught me so much about who I am and what I want and what I deserve. I have learned that I am very strong and I can problem solve like a beast! I mean, I converted a van BY MYSELF in 9 freaking days!

I made so many dating mistakes but also totally learned my worth through those mistakes. I learned I will never question my intuition. I learned that I need a high level of emotional intelligence and empathy. I learned that I am a complete catch and speaking my needs early and often is a gift. I’m sure I’ll discuss dating in the pandemic in a different post but I have been talking to someone awesome and I have a lot of hope for the possibilities of that situation. I definitely had to weed through folks, but I feel so confident and happy with myself at this point.... Someone even recently told me that I seem really comfortable in my skin, and that was a pretty mind-blowing revelation.

​I got to rework all of my classes and I am very excited for my sabbatical project workshop. It’s on online communication courses and equity success, which has never before been more important!

I also now have this amazing van that I can travel in over the summer and on breaks! I got to make a lot of updates while in the suburbs so she is really looking great!

New counters stained with unicorn spit! New peel and stick back splash! Better set up for FT living (including a space for my portable toilet). I still have a few things to do (I’m sure I always will!) but I am really happy with where #persephonevan is!

I leave on June 4th to return to the Bay Area. I am visiting friends (who have been very very careful) in Baltimore and in Kentucky. Then I am staying at campgrounds the rest of the way home. The one bonus is that because of the pandemic, I had no problems with reservations! I have a complete sanitation system ready and lots of masks, hand sanitizer, and disinfectant wipes! I’m ready!

I can’t say I wouldn’t change a thing, because that simply isn’t true. I wouldn’t have bought a POS van. I wouldn’t have dated someone who lied to me. I wouldn’t have had to have major surgery or a global pandemic.... But I do feel like I have a good perspective returning to real life. I am sure the lessons I have learned have made me ready for the future.

So.... did I miss anything???

Well, I’m not going to skip over the insanity that our world has become in the last few months, but I’ll get to that and the impact on Femme Seeks in another post. This post will focus on the MAJOR SURGERY sabbatical interruption.

Surgery was first thing on a Monday about 4.5 weeks ago. I was hella nervous but I knew I was in good hands. I spoke to them about my fear of post surgery pain, and they were all really great about it. The communication at Main Line Health is truly impressive!

It was so nice to have my mom there!

I won’t lie. This surgery was significantly harder and more painful that donating my kidney. I didn’t know that was possible. Prior to surgery we discussed pain management and they decided to put in an epidural. That said, they couldn’t start it until I was out, so I woke up in intense pain. The immediate aftermath is kind of a blur to me. I was in ICU. I had so many tubes in and out of me (an IV in my neck, one in each hand, 2 drains out of my abdomen, and a tube down my nose). My mom was there which really helped because even thought I was in so much pain, I knew it would be okay because she was there. Also, the docs were REALLY trying to get my pain under control. That happened the first night and I felt a huge sense of relief.

The ICU nurses (Amanda and Devon) were freaking amazing! And Amanda has the same birthday as me!! They helped me brush my teeth and suck on some wet sponges so my mouth wasn’t so dry (I couldn’t drink water because of the tube down my nose).

Unfortunately (but not surprisingly), the pain got way worse on Day 2 and I really struggled. They got it under control but immediately had to transfer me out of ICU which was really painful.

I very slowly got all the tubes and IV’s removed (except one of the drains), and finally started walking and was released after 5 days in the hospital.

I really can’t say enough about the doctors and nurses! Everyone (except the tech we called Jesus lady who kept talking about Jesus to me— yawn) was great!


​I returned home with one drain in and a GIANT incision with 23 staples in it!

The staples came out after 2 weeks and the drain was finally removed after a month. I am so glad that I didn’t need to have another procedure to put a stent in (which would have happened had the bile leak not stopped on its own).

When I returned to my mom’s house, I felt so well cared for by her and the home nurses. I started walking very slowly but quickly gained speed and distance. Getting off the pain meds wasn’t easy but 4 weeks post opp, I was off them all!

I’m down my gallbladder and half my liver (not to mention 20 lbs!!!), but recovering well. Also, how cool is it that your liver regenerates???

Now THAT was an unexpected sabbatical detour, but I’m loving my scar and already have the tattoo idea ready!

Thanks for all the support lovers! <3 <3 <3

Being back in Philly and having a minute to recharge from the travel fatigue has been really nice. I drove over 25,000 miles and flew for three trips in 7 months!! That’s a lot of travel so it’s been great to just chill.

I’ve been finishing up with my sabbatical project and rewriting all of my courses, seeing a lot of movies, and eating healthy meals.

I’ve also been to Baltimore twice (a third trip planned this week) and have been totally digging it! Hanging with friends, drinking bourbon, making art, watching Netflix, chatting about all the things, exploring, and helping folks move... it reminds me how much I miss community like that.

Baltimore sure has charmed me and I would love to move there!

Hello faithful readers (all 7 of you)!!

In liver tumor news: surgery is scheduled for March 2 at Lankenau Hospital. In surprising news- it’s open surgery and I’ll be in the hospital for 5 days 😱. Comparatively, I was only supposed to be in the hospital for 2-3 days after the transplant. But my mom is coming back to support me and I am going to ask all the questions at the pre admission appointment. I am particularly concerned about pain management but I feel grateful that I have so much support this time! Phew!

Feel free to send unicorn related presents, flowers and lottery tickets! I’ll have a 6 week recovery so I’m stocking up on audible recommendations and binge worthy TV and movies. I’m frustrated that all my training (for a 5k and strengthening) will have to start over, but that’s how it goes.

In the meantime, let me get back to the fabulous van life and sabbatical recap!

When last we spoke, I was heading south for a house sit in FLA! Let me say, this was the BEST house sit. The homeowner was SO NICE and so appreciative. Everything was automated and the kitties were so amazing! I hope all future sits are that good!

​I was a mile from the beach, and even though it rained a ton, I got to go to the beach a bunch:
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The sit was separated by a week during which I went to Miami. I’ll admit that the dating in south Florida left a lot to be desired, but I had a brief sweet visit and really just enjoyed the relaxing time by the pool and on my own!

I also got to go to the Japanese gardens and a sweet art festival!

As you could probably tell, I had a lot of feels on NYE. I really am sick of years and years of being alone. I know it’s my responsibility to practice self care around this and I tried... but feels still happened. In the end, I think it taught me a lot about walking away from situations that make me feel so volatile. I just have certain needs that aren’t negotiable and I am trying to remember that getting those needs met is not being too picky.

There is a lot of good news here... so far.... and I’m trying way hard to focus on that part.

I’m probably having surgery to have the nodule removed....

good news-
1- I probably don’t have cancer
2- I have the time and space for surgery
3- I have great health insurance
4- I have great doctors who listen and take my pain seriously.

I meet with the surgeon next week.

I’m not gonna lie: I’m scared. The only in patient surgery I have had was the transplant, so... For those of you who aren’t intimately involved with the story, I’ll sum up with— it was traumatizing...

in sum: I donated my kidney in May 2008 to my close friend, Pai Tama. I was alone because I didn’t know I shouldn’t be. It hurt more than I can explain. It was very lonely. They did not take my pain seriously. The recipient died three months later. Everything about that experience sends me into tears when I think about it and when I think about surgery.

But I am in pain and have been since the end of December. I just want this out of my body. And we all just need to think positive that it’s not cancer. Ok??

So ya know when you spend a week terrified you have cancer and you keep thinking-
ok, Friday is the test and I’ll know after that...?

well, Friday came and went. The test happened. And the results were inconclusive... so I still am in pain. And I still don’t know if I have liver cancer.

Most folks have been awesome and supportive, especially my family. I know I have amazing friends but it was nice to have the reminder.

It’s funny... life goes on during these moments. It’s probably for the best because otherwise I would just be obsessing. But all the distraction I know hasn’t been working. I have all this support on the internet and in my phone but I don’t have anyone to come over and hug me really. I’d probably hate it anyway but I wouldn’t mind the gesture right now.

so next steps are to see a GI and see about a biopsy.

accepting the woo, good vibes and love...

Well shit.... I was enjoying my time in Florida (more on that later), I started having pretty bad upper right abdominal pain. I immediately feared kidney issues (side effect of being a kidney donor).... but all told, it seemed like gallbladder disease. I tried to suck it up and avoid the ER mostly because my insurance, while great and a national network, can be a nightmare out of state.

So I returned to Philly and made an appt with a doctor in my medical group in NYC. I headed up to do that and hang with my sister and niece.

I went full on self advocate and the doc thought probably gallbladder... so I got an ultrasound and....

Liver nodule... 2.5x2.4x3 cm....

hopefully benign.

MRI with contrast is next but have to get the kidney levels back first.

yes I’m terrified.

I’m not done yet.

ps- anyone who tells me cancer is caused by emotional blocks or tells me “this too shall pass” or gives me any one liners or BS like that will be hexed and haunted in a scary way when I die. How you can support me: affirm
how scary this is; tell me you are here; listen; send a box of kittens or puppies.

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