It comes down to this pathetic truth: I don't think I am lovable.
Now before you get all worried, don't... I won't do anything stupid. I have had too many friends do that. I know how much it hurts the others and I could never do that to them. And I honestly don't want to die. I love life. I love the smell of the ocean. I love the way grass blows in the wind. I love cobalt blue and kitty mews and lavender and candy and kissing and the magic of movies and the taste of wine and music and children's laughter...
I just want to feel worthy of love and it has been a really long time since I have felt that.
This is my 4th NYE alone, and while I know it's just another day, it feels really rough to be alone again tonight.
Doing love is hard.
Doing love on the road feels so much more complicated and I have recently realized another puzzle piece of why:
I want to collaboratively in my life. I want that in friendships, with lovers, with partners, and with everyone in between. I want to work with folks to find ways we can connect and spend time and hold space and communicate that work for all of us. I don't think this should be so hard. You talk. You listen. You give. You take....
But when you're on the road, this collaboration seems more complicated. I guess not to me... I don't find it harder on the road. It's just different.
But others... others seem to find it way harder. It's like they seem completely stymied by any attempts to make plans or just say: I want to be with you. I want to make space for you.
which brings me back to the original post. I fear I must be completely unlovable.
People don't seem to want to make that space to be with me. I say- I have this time. How about I come hang with you? and over and over the answer has been no.... they have other things going on, or need to think... and thinking turns into silence and then there comes a point that I need to make plans. I need to move forward. I can't just wait for them to decide they have space for me.
i know my worth. I know I can't just wait for people to find space for me.
but also I fucking hate how emotional I am. If you think it’s hard to date a cancer... try BEING a cancer. I just feel out of control with my feelings sometimes. They are so intense. I just want to feel a strong embrace around me. Hold me and tell me it’s ok. Let me be myself- independent; strong; stubborn; deep; empathetic; and silly. And love me for that.
But is there a middle ground? I'm serious. What is the middle ground between doing my own thing- not giving a fuck about other folks.... and waiting for them?
Please tell me!!!