After a really beautiful (and somewhat challenging) trip to Hawaii, I headed back to Philly.

oh, by the WAY! Guess what??!!! On the way to Hawaii, I didn’t take ANY Xanax on the 12 hour flight!!!! And I experienced almost no fear! I was really proud of myself. For those of you who don’t know, I have a pretty big fear of flying that I have been working on consistently for 4 years. I took the Fear of Flying Clinic (which I highly recommend) and still fly, because sometimes you just have to do it scared.... but this was a huge step for me. I took two Xanax on the way home because it was a red eye but sadly I barely slept.

I got home on almost no sleep in 24 hours to news that my mom has a brain aneurysm.

yeah.

I don’t want to get too much into it because it’s more stuff I should share in therapy (which I know I sometimes— read: often— cross the line on here), but this was a huge shock. My mom is almost 75 and in amazing health. She is a straight up amazon. I am so grateful for her. We have had our fair share of struggles but she is a really amazing woman. I never have thought she would be the parent I might lose first. So this was very scary.

So she had non invasive brain surgery (which, I KNOW!!! SCIENCE!!!!) and that F#%* she did. The surgeon was very glad they removed it because it was pretty dangerous.

But we got to decorate the tree before she went in and she bounced back hella fast!!! I mean, she is definitely an Amazon. She was back to herself the next day and even an hour after surgery she was joking around and remembered the nurses names more than I did!

So I got a house sit in South Florida and hit the road for sunnier locals!

And no- #persephonevan’s sensors still haven’t been fixed!!!! But they should be in stock when I return so yay! See ya on the beach, ya’ll!!! 😘😘😘

So I will leave the bad at this: the sit was not as represented to me. Due to personal events I don’t want to share here, the homeowner and I decided to end the sit after 5 weeks instead of 10. I helped her to find a replacement sitter so all was well.


After the sit ended I was able to enjoy the island, and enjoy I did!

One last sunset for ya!

Really got to enjoy the water and even got to swim with dolphins!!! This was a dream come true and I CANNOT wait to do it again!!!

I’m not great at video but dam that was amazing!!! Amazing company and a perfect end to a weird Hawaii adventure!

Hey all! So, Hawaii was a situation. For those of you keeping track, you might have realized from that past tense sentence that it’s over. And in fact, it ended after 5 weeks. There is so much to say and share about Hawaii so I am going to split it into three parts: the good, the end, and the fun.

so, Hawaii started awesome!

I flew all the way from JFK with NO XANAX!!!! I was so proud of myself. Total advanced fear of flying clinic!

​I got there and had a night at a hotel and it was lovely!

Next up was going to the house where I was house sitting! It had the most amazing view and was so lovely!

I joined the gym! And I started on my sabbatical project! I started training for a 5k and was feeling hella good! I went to the farmers market and got an avocado the size of my HEAD! It was lovely and basically your standard- this is what hawaii is!

And that’s about where the good ended....

​next up: the bad.

I'm not sure what to say that I haven't said a million times before, and what I feel like I will die saying...

It comes down to this pathetic truth: I don't think I am lovable.

Now before you get all worried, don't... I won't do anything stupid. I have had too many friends do that. I know how much it hurts the others and I could never do that to them. And I honestly don't want to die. I love life. I love the smell of the ocean. I love the way grass blows in the wind. I love cobalt blue and kitty mews and lavender and candy and kissing and the magic of movies and the taste of wine and music and children's laughter...

I just want to feel worthy of love and it has been a really long time since I have felt that.

This is my 4th NYE alone, and while I know it's just another day, it feels really rough to be alone again tonight.

Doing love is hard.

Doing love on the road feels so much more complicated and I have recently realized another puzzle piece of why:
I want to collaboratively in my life. I want that in friendships, with lovers, with partners, and with everyone in between. I want to work with folks to find ways we can connect and spend time and hold space and communicate that work for all of us. I don't think this should be so hard. You talk. You listen. You give. You take....

But when you're on the road, this collaboration seems more complicated. I guess not to me... I don't find it harder on the road. It's just different.

But others... others seem to find it way harder. It's like they seem completely stymied by any attempts to make plans or just say: I want to be with you. I want to make space for you.

which brings me back to the original post. I fear I must be completely unlovable.

People don't seem to want to make that space to be with me. I say- I have this time. How about I come hang with you? and over and over the answer has been no.... they have other things going on, or need to think... and thinking turns into silence and then there comes a point that I need to make plans. I need to move forward. I can't just wait for them to decide they have space for me.

i know my worth. I know I can't just wait for people to find space for me.

but also I fucking hate how emotional I am. If you think it’s hard to date a cancer... try BEING a cancer. I just feel out of control with my feelings sometimes. They are so intense. I just want to feel a strong embrace around me. Hold me and tell me it’s ok. Let me be myself- independent; strong; stubborn; deep; empathetic; and silly. And love me for that.

But is there a middle ground? I'm serious. What is the middle ground between doing my own thing- not giving a fuck about other folks.... and waiting for them?

Please tell me!!!

​https://youtu.be/RyhBRY_2mpk

Hey all! Sorry for the delay. Things have been a bit hectic and I had a situation and didn’t want folks to know where I was for a bit....

From Baltimore, I headed back to Philly to winterize my van and get all ready for 10 weeks in Hawaii!!

I tried to seal the vent fan again because there is a small leak (thank goodness for wool insulation), but I recently realized it didn’t work. 😥

organized all my stuff and packed for Hawaii in just two carry on sized bags (I’m calling it practice packing for Europe because I need to pack in just one of these for that trip!).

From my mom’s I headed to the city for a few really sweet days with someone awesome!

I hopped on the train and headed for JFK!!!

From Myrtle beach (where I ate all the all you can eat seafood, BTW), I headed to Baltimore.

Damn Charm city! You sure do know how to show a girl a good time.

​Hanging with friends like Lania and eating all the yummy food and doing all the laughing.... this trip filled me up just like I needed.

After hanging in NC, I headed for the coast.

A brief visit to Charleston and then to Myrtle Beach which was surprisingly quaint and affordable.

I will always love and feel filled by my sister moon, the ocean.

Listen...

From Philly, heart bandaged up with duct tape and soul feeling scrappy and refreshed, I headed south to Charlotte, NC.

First stop was Virginia Beach for a sweet sunrise

Next was Charlotte where I had ridiculous and unexpected fun!

Yummy food; deep chats; dates including home improvement projects... what more can a grrl ask for?

Headed to Asheville because a ton of people had told me I should check it out.

I got a great little agri tourism Airbnb about an hour out of town. It was awesome (check them out here).

#persephonevan and I got to power down for a few nights which really helped clear the brain so I could focus on what I really want, moving forward.

Next up, I headed to Charleston, which was just as humid and pretty as expected (the hair was big, so no photos...)

Decided to hit Myrtle Beach, for one night that turned into two nights. Ocean view for $50 anyone??!!!

And more sunrises!

Y’all! This 🦀 feels so refreshed by the ocean!

Which is why I am so excited to tell you.....

I GOT A NINE WEEK HOUSE SIT IN HAWAII!!!!!

​🎊🎉🏝🏊🏻‍♀️🍹🌈🌞🌸🌺

YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!

So this is why I am heading back to Philly to leave #persephonevan at my Brother’s. My mom will take her to get the sensors fixed and I will fly out to Hawaii (on my miles, no less! I feel like such an adult!!!) in a week and a half!!!

Stay tuned for more, but in the meantime, please enjoy this video of me displaying a masterful snorkel dive from the last time I went to Hawaii with the illustrious Mel T!

​

Hey there Van lifers or aspiring van lifers or dreamers or followers or stalkers!

So, I was talking to my therapist the other day (how many times have I said that???) and she reminded me of the excitement I had when I started this whole #vanlife #Sabbaticallife stuff.

I haven't really felt excited since I started. The mundane really is quite challenging when on the road- cooking, laundry, planning, budgeting (how the heck do you budget for this shit, because I sure haven't figured that out!?). When #medusavan had all those problems and I kept having to stop.... It just felt like someone came in with a pin and put a very small hole in my big red balloon. And I don't think I have recovered from that.

I want to put the excitement back into #Vanlife.

Next up: VA Beach; Charlotte NC; and then down to coast to Miami! weeeeeeeeeee! Can Miami help put the excitement into #Persephonevan??? Fingers crossed!

Sometimes ya just gotta get a Tahini milkshake

and get your some local Bourbon

and get your septum repierced

I did my first house sit and it was amazing! The building was this beautiful art nouveau building and the pup was the CUTEST!!!

I enjoyed the murals of Philadelphia

In the end, I learned to stop engaging with emotionally manipulative liars and then even went on an unexpectedly amazing date.

Falling in love with this city I love/hate is always an adventure