2008 showed me who she was from the very start. There was the early sleep so I could conduct research on a cold and windy New Year's Day in South Philly. There was the attempted break-in at 1:30am and the ensuing restlessness. She made me feel like a stranger in a strange land: a stranger to my body, to my city, to my career. That was the worst year I could have ever done, yet still I did it.
2009 hid her true colors by inviting me out to the local gay bar-- something I had wanted for more than a decade. She said all the right things at all the right times for a very short, very amazing time period. She was full of the highest highs I had yet to know. She was so life changing in bringing me into the academy and giving me the kind of sex I couldn't even imagine before that.
But then she showed herself in 2010 with a moment that haunts my memory still. She ended with silly pictures before a play about death.... the most apropos beginning/ ending that no one could have written it.
2011 was a red flag that I accepted with a disgruntled sigh. She was ushered in at a club with her friends who hated me and who I hated. She was over quickly and with way more drama than necessary.
2012 happened outside the Lex with champagne bought moments before at the corner store.... enough said.
Coughing and wheezing ushered 2013 into the world; a subtle sign that grief and sadness would be the theme of the year. She started at El Rio.... involved a violation of boundaries.... and then ended with a walk home after a booty call. I should have known then what turmoil I faced, but even 3 days in when you stopped speaking to me, I refused to see it. Silence in Hawaii; Silence on my Birthday followed... yet I kept coming back for more of 2013...
2014 started again at El Rio and with some level of naive hope. What I didn't know then was that, again, the hope I felt was some other woman's fate. She would finally get that commitment and love I always longed for...
2015 continued the theme, this time with a stranger who would quickly marry. Want to get married? Date me and you are sure to marry, move in with, or get engaged within 1 year!
You brought me so much hope in 2016 even though I felt your jealously from the first seconds. I still don't understand why you caused problems when there were none. I still don't understand why you turned on me in all of the moments we should have been closest. But, that was what 2016 brought-- abuse in the form of a jealous lover who would lash out because I had friends or community or anything.... 2016 was such a mind fuck because she brought this being who was all and everything I wanted but this being who would lash out at me for no reason.... This person who didn't trust me like she knew me when I was an addict, despite the opposite.... 2016 drenched me in disappointment. I loved you so much but you didn't trust me so it was an effort in futility.
And so 2017 started alone. So. Alone. I slept in the Kiwi version of Tahoe while bros partied. I awoke in the new year and visited magical places alone. so. alone.... and so 2017 proceeded. Alone. Even you ghosted me. again.
And this is why I am terrified. 2018.... starting the same way..... starting alone and with tears.... I am not sure which is more pathetic: the fact that I started 2017 thinking of you.... or the fact that I started 2018 that way too. I feel like an idiot for still fantasizing about our wedding.... about our flash mob engagement, our wedding with your beautiful face looking at me when we say "I do" and our reception with a bouncy house.... and our honeymoon to Fiji and then our life together.... our beautiful life together.... I feel like an idiot thinking this would happen with you or anyone... I feel like an idiot for thinking that just because I feel like I am a pretty good person means anything.... like all that has happened in the last 10 years means anything. Like this is a cause and effect world. It's not.
so, 2018... what you got? because all I want is her.... still.... but I can't handle another 2016 or 2017....
2009 hid her true colors by inviting me out to the local gay bar-- something I had wanted for more than a decade. She said all the right things at all the right times for a very short, very amazing time period. She was full of the highest highs I had yet to know. She was so life changing in bringing me into the academy and giving me the kind of sex I couldn't even imagine before that.
But then she showed herself in 2010 with a moment that haunts my memory still. She ended with silly pictures before a play about death.... the most apropos beginning/ ending that no one could have written it.
2011 was a red flag that I accepted with a disgruntled sigh. She was ushered in at a club with her friends who hated me and who I hated. She was over quickly and with way more drama than necessary.
2012 happened outside the Lex with champagne bought moments before at the corner store.... enough said.
Coughing and wheezing ushered 2013 into the world; a subtle sign that grief and sadness would be the theme of the year. She started at El Rio.... involved a violation of boundaries.... and then ended with a walk home after a booty call. I should have known then what turmoil I faced, but even 3 days in when you stopped speaking to me, I refused to see it. Silence in Hawaii; Silence on my Birthday followed... yet I kept coming back for more of 2013...
2014 started again at El Rio and with some level of naive hope. What I didn't know then was that, again, the hope I felt was some other woman's fate. She would finally get that commitment and love I always longed for...
2015 continued the theme, this time with a stranger who would quickly marry. Want to get married? Date me and you are sure to marry, move in with, or get engaged within 1 year!
You brought me so much hope in 2016 even though I felt your jealously from the first seconds. I still don't understand why you caused problems when there were none. I still don't understand why you turned on me in all of the moments we should have been closest. But, that was what 2016 brought-- abuse in the form of a jealous lover who would lash out because I had friends or community or anything.... 2016 was such a mind fuck because she brought this being who was all and everything I wanted but this being who would lash out at me for no reason.... This person who didn't trust me like she knew me when I was an addict, despite the opposite.... 2016 drenched me in disappointment. I loved you so much but you didn't trust me so it was an effort in futility.
And so 2017 started alone. So. Alone. I slept in the Kiwi version of Tahoe while bros partied. I awoke in the new year and visited magical places alone. so. alone.... and so 2017 proceeded. Alone. Even you ghosted me. again.
And this is why I am terrified. 2018.... starting the same way..... starting alone and with tears.... I am not sure which is more pathetic: the fact that I started 2017 thinking of you.... or the fact that I started 2018 that way too. I feel like an idiot for still fantasizing about our wedding.... about our flash mob engagement, our wedding with your beautiful face looking at me when we say "I do" and our reception with a bouncy house.... and our honeymoon to Fiji and then our life together.... our beautiful life together.... I feel like an idiot thinking this would happen with you or anyone... I feel like an idiot for thinking that just because I feel like I am a pretty good person means anything.... like all that has happened in the last 10 years means anything. Like this is a cause and effect world. It's not.
so, 2018... what you got? because all I want is her.... still.... but I can't handle another 2016 or 2017....
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