I had a dream last night so realistic I woke up thinking it was real. It wasn't a lucid dream but it felt so real because it was so real... Like that first time I tripped acid and we made up a lie about my boyfriend flaking on us. After a night of random art projects and smoking out the basement door it felt so real, I broke up with him.
So last night you were kissing her. I didn't feel jealous. I just felt sad. I knew it was over, as it is. And that kiss just sealed the deal. That kiss just reminded me of the words I once overheard about a connection beyond anything we have experienced. It reminded me you are always in love... But never with me.
Last night I had a dream so lucid I thought it was real. In it, you would never speak to me again and time flowed here and there, making this last 34 days feel like 1000.... A hundred thousand moments that could have been love, had you been interested in that over everything else, like privacy and propriety... Screaming it out like I felt.
I woke up feeling so alone, so broken.
We are worth a thousand chances but we only had none. None because you were gone from the beginning, hidden behind a narrative of not having needs, emotions, or abilities in the communication department. You always say that this doesn't come naturally to you, and I always think in the back of my head, "what does come naturally?" Was the 12 year old you shut down and cranky or is that just the 15 year old you?
And I miss you every single moment that should be one of our thousand chances. I wish we were creating these dream state moments. I wish we were. But that was just a dream of a 1000 chances.... All of which we were worth.