I was fulfilling the "If something else comes your way..." credo, and something else did, and then she did, and then that something else met her... and that something else witnessed my transformation from 'confident and strong' to 'scared and almost puppy-like' just like on that Thanksgiving 7 or 8 years ago... But this time it was me transforming; crumbling into a shell of my former self.
That something else didn't even need to mention it or point it out. I felt it as soon as she walked into the bar or even before. I felt it as soon as I spotted her on the street; hat floating on top of her platinum head.
I remember how it was that day. I turned in my kitchen, and looked at you. "Do you remember what I asked?" I questioned. I know now that I was throwing up walls with every word.... emphasizing each syllable in a staccato that was almost inaudible, but screaming to you and me.
We went about our Thanksgiving, me doing bumps in the bathroom, and you being cordial to all of my friends and colleagues. After spending the weekend talking and fucking under the guise of making love, I returned to my life with a deep exhale... You were gone and I could finally be myself again. And then he pointed it out. I am not sure I ever would have known had he not said anything, though at the time I thought it was just another sign of your shortcomings. He said, "You know she acts totally differently when you are there, right?" I had no idea. I didn't even know what he meant. But then he described how your body changed as soon as I would enter the room.... How you would almost crumble in my presence.
It continued for who knows how long and then we broke up for whatever reason.... and I never thought that would be me... collapsing in on myself in the presence of someone call a lover, though I am not sure there is any love coming or going in this situation.
So now each time she is the something better that comes along, which she always is if she graces me with her presence, I am aware of my body, low power posing, crumbling and breaking... I wish I could find that strong staccato voiced woman inside of me... and just whisper goodbye.