Cora the Performer
  • About me
  • Femme Seeks
  • Musings
  • Upcoming Performances
  • Performance Videos
  • Publications and Reviews
  • Contact Me!

Another title-less mishmash with no rhythm or structure. 

11/11/2015

0 Comments

 
 but at least I am writing... baby steps. 
I sit here, lay here, stand here, curl here.... wishing I could call you; knowing you don't even know who the you is of which I speak. You probably think this is some lover of the past, who I long for, pine for, miss with all of my body and soul... or maybe you think this is an amalgamation of lovers past and present... perhaps you are sure this is about you.... or even still, there is a chance you don't even read this bullshit. 
The end is always me crying, but not in the way that you would imagine... or maybe it's exactly how you would imagine the downfall of this cancer plays out. 
I cry. 
I cry the ugly cry. 
I know- hard to believe, eh? 
And it's not like we never talk again... It's more just a subtle shutting down, closing in, quieting... And my inner fire dies and my eyes ice over and my chest feels that sinking slow numbing... and I am done. 
It happened with her when John died, and her when I couldn't get a job at a temp agency after a phd and 4 years on the academic job market, and it happened with her after that conversation about my tiny home dream and the canceling of my class, and with her when we had drank too much during the day and felt the need to spew all that we had been holding onto for a year and a half or three. 
And one or all or none of them is you. 
So, I feel myself numb in that sinking, tingling way, wanting to text you. 
And I miss you. I miss what I thought you could be. I miss what you were. I miss what I know you can be. I miss who you are. I miss what I imagined we would grow into and I miss wanting to try. 
I miss hope.
Even though it was rarely there.
So I sit here, lay here, stand here, curl here.... alone. wishing more than anything, that last word weren't the ending. 
But know it is and will always be... so I sit here, lay here, stand here, curl here... and shut. it. down. for good here.
​alone 
0 Comments

Your comment will be posted after it is approved.


Leave a Reply.

    Picture

    Cora Leighton

    Thoughts about womyn, bodies, performance, life, play, and general randomness.
    If you think things are about you-- they probably aren't.

    Archives

    July 2020
    April 2020
    February 2020
    October 2019
    June 2019
    March 2019
    August 2018
    April 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    September 2017
    August 2017
    June 2017
    June 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    April 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    November 2014
    October 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    January 2013
    October 2012
    May 2012
    February 2012
    January 2012
    December 2011
    November 2011
    October 2011
    August 2011
    July 2011
    April 2011
    January 2011
    December 2010
    November 2010
    October 2010
    September 2010

    Categories

    All

    RSS Feed

Proudly powered by Weebly