I know I will never get amends from you, but I have been collecting these amends all the same, for 18 months, 3 years, 5, 6, 10, and 15 years... And while I do not know how to contact you, and you want nothing to do with me, I still, for some insane reason, need to make these amends.... in part because I know amends don't always have to be heard by the other person and I simply need to stop consuming this rat poison; stop thinking that getting you back might somehow be a good thing.
I am sorry I did not set boundaries and speak my needs from the beginning. Part of me can imagine what that would have looked like; part of me can imagine doing that.... but I did not, and for that I am sorry.
I am sorry I allowed us to talk about exes as much as we did. We talked so much about J and L... It seemed like we were both desperate to prevent those mistakes again, but we were so focused on what happened-- that shit about how I have never had a past situation like that work, so I will not do it now-- that we forgot to focus on what was happening at that moment with us. I don't want to know that S couldn't make fresh juice right, because the likely follow up to that is that I couldn't make steak right, even though it was the kindest thing I have ever done for any lover... I don't want to know all that happened in your past. I don't want you to know all that happened in my past. I just want to be with you, as is... In this moment... Even though you can't do that now and probably will never be able to do that. I am not like the ones that came before and I cannot answer for them and the you that was then... I wish you could see that...
I am sorry I didn't know how to tell you how scared I was. I wish I had been able to press pause, talk to you, reach out to you, hold you and let you hold me. My fear took over. My fear that I was in an unhealthy relationship that would never be healthy again took over my entire life: my body, my brain, my soul. I shut down. And I am so sorry I couldn't figure out how to stop that spiral.
I am sorry I took you to Fest. I am sorry because I wish I had been able to be there without you, knowing it was ok to do that with myself.
I am sorry I came back for Halloween even though I knew it was for selfish reasons.
I am sorry I hung out with you again. I knew after the first time that it should stay a one night thing, but I went back for selfish reasons. I am sorry I went back after the second pause. I felt obligated because of what you did, and I wish I had not. It was not a good reason to go back, and I am sorry for that. It put into motion the events that I have still failed to stop.
I am sorry I didn't stand up to your best friend. I am sorry I didn't explain to you that you act like an asshole around her.... I mean, every one of your girlfriends hates her, and that is no coincidence... It's not about finding the right girlfriend... It's about leaving that 16 year old you in the past and growing the fuck up. I am sorry I never found a way to say that in a compassionate way. I am sorry that I still don't know how to say that nicely. I am not sorry for feeling harassed and demeaned by her and you when you were around her... But I am sorry I did not stand up for myself.
I want to say I am sorry for the break but I am not. I needed that. I needed to stand up for myself. What is sad is that it caused all of this... so long later. We still don't speak really and for that, I feel resentful. And for that, I am sorry.
I have recently been thinking about that time you told me how you saw the old couple and imagined us at that age. I have been thinking about how you saw that old woman in the airport and said that would be you. I have been thinking about how you told me about how you imagined yourself riding bikes with small dogs in the basket, even though you hate animals... I knew it wasn't ever going to be. We would break up; you would die; or you would continue to be incapable of loving a living being...
But right now... right now, I wish that were real. I wish we were entering that time period and we were still or soon to be in love. I wish that I hadn't made the biggest mistake of my life. I wish you would speak to me... I mean, really speak to me... But I know that will never happen, so I am writing these amends here... to go unanswered as all amends do...
to be put out in the world for selfish and unselfish purposes.... floating along... forever... devouring all the rat poison before I can get to it.