It’s been a minute since I have heard from you but I know it’s not because you are respecting my boundaries. Is it a game or have you moved on to the next woman you will gaslight and manipulate?
Today and yesterday and the day before and tomorrow I have been driving on the 80.... through Nebraska. And I remember those days I drove this route last. When you were fucking a woman you nicknamed Brooklyn and I was trying so hard to have faith in you. In this “us” you pretended to build.
It feels like a lifetime since that moment. And it has been a lifetime... I’m down 1.5 more organs, the world has completely changed in this weird pandemic, and I have grown stronger. I did not let you break me.
I finally know my worth.
It’s been almost 3 years since last we spoke although it feels like 10. I was watching Queer Eye earlier today and the woman on the show reminded me of you. And I just wanted to reach out and hug you. But that’s not possible anymore. I wanted to apologize for the times I didn’t give you what you needed. Not because it was my responsibility to fulfill all your deepest needs from childhood.... but because I could have done better with gentleness and empathy. I guess my hurt soul and your hurt soul just never got on the same page- the page when we could both hold each other up, stronger together exponentially in that weird math way.
A few weeks ago, I was in Kentucky and thinking about how you got so jealous the last time I was there. How I just wanted to share it all with you but didn’t know how. I didn’t know how to give you everything I wanted to give you ever. I gave you the best pieces of bacon and tried to include you in all the ways but that wasn’t what you needed. I didn’t know how to ask and you didn’t know how to express, except through lashing out and insane 2am text threads.
I wish you could hear my amends. I am sorry I couldn’t give you what you needed. Your feelings are and were valid.