As I turned, it was almost as if my body was floating, yet I continued moving. It was almost as if my body had a mind of its own.... which we both know is the case, because I am a smart woman yet my body has overpowered my mind and my heart for almost a year now. I took a deep breath and showed up for a moment-- just to see what was about to happen. I put one foot in front of the other and even though I could still feel your fingers on my dress, still see you biting your lip, pulling my body towards yours, I continued to move away from you and forward in my life. I could feel the change in weight.... the weight of the air and my limbs as I passed out of your force field. And I was present for it all... Showing up and remembering what that was like.
You are five times better, they said. And then she agreed and so did she... And I started to wonder what I have been so attracted to... What has been drawing me into you? Besides your fingers subtly on my dress...
I danced in the crowd, smashed and feeling a bit claustrophobic but totally free. Totally enjoying myself. I actually had the conscious thought that this would not be happening some time ago... some lifetime ago, with you or her or any of them. I thought about how she would be standing there, stiff, and pissed about all the drinking. I thought about how you would be standing there, relaxed, and pissed about god knows what. Instead, I just had fun, and was mindful of the fun I was having...
I stood in a thrift shop, shopping for a dress for the occasion, recalling this event or that one to her-- who has known me through so much, has supported me even when I was an asshole. I crouched by her child, so happy to be a part of her life, telling her about that and this. We sat and ate lunch in Echo Park, catching up professionally and personally while I realized how much life had changed and evolved in 10 years. I stood, trying to be the adult, in awe of that fact, yet stating facts that could be boiled down to "I deserve more." They were dressed in other words about the BART strike and timing and all kinds of other pathetic excuses, but when she said "really?" and then when I saw another's smiling face, I was reminded what excuses they were. It was like I could step outside myself and hear myself making excuses for your pathetic behavior. I am pretty sure she even asked "why would you stand for that?"
And each time I had a really sad reason... probably about how you are trying, with a subtle undertone of I need too much. But really what I thought each time is about how I want to fall in love; how I miss that act of falling; how I would rather be falling than walking away, as I have been for more than 2 years now or 10 or 20... time really flies when you're....
She said these words to me that involved beautiful, sweet, lovely and other such synonyms... and my first reaction was "no." Ugly, pathetic, and too much... And it made me realize how long it has been since I have heard these words; these sentiments.... And I thought back to that day on a grass beach by a pond at a women-centered festival, when I tried desperately to hold steady. I thought back to their words, and the kindness I felt from the women around me, and the feeling of turning away from you... Turning away from the hurt you have caused me for so long. The hurt you don't intend, but the hurt you cannot help because it radiates from your pained and broken heat. The hurt I wish I could help mend, but I know better. And I remembered the feeling... and wish I could harness the feeling... as I turned away from you and moved forward.
You are five times better, they said. And then she agreed and so did she... And I started to wonder what I have been so attracted to... What has been drawing me into you? Besides your fingers subtly on my dress...
I danced in the crowd, smashed and feeling a bit claustrophobic but totally free. Totally enjoying myself. I actually had the conscious thought that this would not be happening some time ago... some lifetime ago, with you or her or any of them. I thought about how she would be standing there, stiff, and pissed about all the drinking. I thought about how you would be standing there, relaxed, and pissed about god knows what. Instead, I just had fun, and was mindful of the fun I was having...
I stood in a thrift shop, shopping for a dress for the occasion, recalling this event or that one to her-- who has known me through so much, has supported me even when I was an asshole. I crouched by her child, so happy to be a part of her life, telling her about that and this. We sat and ate lunch in Echo Park, catching up professionally and personally while I realized how much life had changed and evolved in 10 years. I stood, trying to be the adult, in awe of that fact, yet stating facts that could be boiled down to "I deserve more." They were dressed in other words about the BART strike and timing and all kinds of other pathetic excuses, but when she said "really?" and then when I saw another's smiling face, I was reminded what excuses they were. It was like I could step outside myself and hear myself making excuses for your pathetic behavior. I am pretty sure she even asked "why would you stand for that?"
And each time I had a really sad reason... probably about how you are trying, with a subtle undertone of I need too much. But really what I thought each time is about how I want to fall in love; how I miss that act of falling; how I would rather be falling than walking away, as I have been for more than 2 years now or 10 or 20... time really flies when you're....
She said these words to me that involved beautiful, sweet, lovely and other such synonyms... and my first reaction was "no." Ugly, pathetic, and too much... And it made me realize how long it has been since I have heard these words; these sentiments.... And I thought back to that day on a grass beach by a pond at a women-centered festival, when I tried desperately to hold steady. I thought back to their words, and the kindness I felt from the women around me, and the feeling of turning away from you... Turning away from the hurt you have caused me for so long. The hurt you don't intend, but the hurt you cannot help because it radiates from your pained and broken heat. The hurt I wish I could help mend, but I know better. And I remembered the feeling... and wish I could harness the feeling... as I turned away from you and moved forward.
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