As I walk through the cobblestone streets of my late teen years, I remember walking these streets in the rain in 1995, trying so hard to shut it down. The wind blows and I hear only the quiet rustling of leaves in the old cemeteries. The streets are empty and the cold nips at my neck, like the ghosts of past lovers.
I remember 18 year old me trying to turn off her feelings; shut down her heart.

Skin on skin

Lover to lover.

Twenty five years later I feel the uneven surface of the cobblestone, hear the crunching of fall leaves under my boots, and ache with the sinking in my chest.

I know I will never be that cold.

You lied every time you said my feelings mattered.

Skin on skin.

Lover to lover.

You lied every time you looked in my eyes and kissed me deeply.

Skin on skin.

Lover to lover.

You lied every time you said you loved me.

Skin on skin.

Lover to lover.

Drops of rain hit my cheek and my chest throbs with pain. My breath is tight from grief and loss.

I think about the beauty of the history within each stone; each building; each structure. I think of all the broken hearted people who have walked these same streets; about the possibilities of spirits walking next to me, within me.

And 42 year old me forgives the me of 25 years ago for trying to shut it down. Because as much as this hurts, I am so grateful that I could never be that cruel to anyone else. I know my tender heart is what brings beauty to the world; brings kindness, silliness and softness to the day and night.

Skin on skin.

Lover to lover.

I remember waking up that Sunday morning last month. I don't know what changed. I didn't know what had changed, but I knew something huge had lifted.

I will not let you ruin me.

I remember that moment in 2013 when it did. I sat there at the tiny sushi place in the Castro.... she said "you really love her, don't you?" and I realized I did... and that I wanted her in my life so badly that I would do anything.... including slowly killing myself, destroying my heart, my soul, my self esteem, and my self worth.

and on that Sunday morning in Ohio, from the bed of #persephonevan, I realized that I would not let you ruin me.

I am worth so much more than you.

https://youtu.be/P6Xr67cTzwE

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You may think I’m a pessimist, always living in the negative, but what you don’t see is that I believe in possibilities.

And always have.

When I was 8 I wrote President Reagan to tell him to throw away his key to the nuclear bomb. I saw peace as a possibility

When I was 15, 18, 23, 25, 28, 32, 35, 38, and 40, I fell in love. I saw all that we could be. I fell deeply, even though the 16 year old goth/ punk rocker in me sighs and scowls and says I have never actually been in love, including now.

I believe in ghosts.

I believe in an afterlife and a next life.

I believe in fairies and vampires and magic.

I believe in aliens and scientific depth.

I believe someone will love me one day, the way I love them. I believe I am worthy. I believe it will come.

But not with you.

i believe you are capable of honesty. I believe it is possible for you to be direct and real.

but not with me.

I believe in my possibilities.

I believe I have the whole world in front of me. Literally.

And I will not give up these possibilities for this. For this nothing. This pain.

I believed I was better than ghosting. But I also know that’s how this will end.

​Im sorry.

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