I roll over-- sweaty and chilled from the night-- to feel the space... The space next to me; the space behind me; above and inside.... to remind me of what is, at this very moment...
It's like when she asked me to hold her hand; caress her hair and show her affection in public... I just couldn't do it, and I know that is how it is now, so I don't ask.
I remember sitting on the pier in Ventura, gazing out at the water... feeling totally alone, by my own design. "Good morning, Sunshine!" you greeted, even though it was not morning and it was far from good... "Am I a bad girlfriend?" I asked, wondering why I refused to give in and just be with her as completely as she wanted... "No, you just aren't ready" you assured me... And now even though I don't know what you meant, I know how you felt and wish I could thank you for not hating me...
But I can't, because you are gone.
I roll over--imagining some warmth around me; behind me; above and inside me... but I am reminded of what isn't, at this very moment...
I want to call you and hear your sweet smiling voice say "Good morning, sunshine" tonight, as the giant moon rises. I want to feel your warm embrace, so strong and soft at the same time. I want to know that there is someone out there who loves me, and was in love with me, and gets me and can tell me it will be ok, in a way I actually believe...
I want to smell you and feel that deep exhale you used to create in me, until 5 years ago when, just after New Year's, I got the call that changed everything forever.
I think you would understand completely right now, and we could just sit on the phone, listening to each other's breath, together but not together, totally connected... You would say the exact right thing and, even though it wouldn't change what actually is, I would feel a bit more space in this desire... even though it would probably be a bunch of BS-- just like it was when you told me that I wasn't a bad girlfriend-- I would believe you...
I roll over, trying to flip this switch off-- to feel the space next to me, above me, behind me, around me, and inside me... to remind me of you, and what it feels like to be a little less alone, and what it might feel like not to feel like this-- like I can definitely not ask this...
It's like when she asked me to hold her hand; caress her hair and show her affection in public... I just couldn't do it, and I know that is how it is now, so I don't ask.
I remember sitting on the pier in Ventura, gazing out at the water... feeling totally alone, by my own design. "Good morning, Sunshine!" you greeted, even though it was not morning and it was far from good... "Am I a bad girlfriend?" I asked, wondering why I refused to give in and just be with her as completely as she wanted... "No, you just aren't ready" you assured me... And now even though I don't know what you meant, I know how you felt and wish I could thank you for not hating me...
But I can't, because you are gone.
I roll over--imagining some warmth around me; behind me; above and inside me... but I am reminded of what isn't, at this very moment...
I want to call you and hear your sweet smiling voice say "Good morning, sunshine" tonight, as the giant moon rises. I want to feel your warm embrace, so strong and soft at the same time. I want to know that there is someone out there who loves me, and was in love with me, and gets me and can tell me it will be ok, in a way I actually believe...
I want to smell you and feel that deep exhale you used to create in me, until 5 years ago when, just after New Year's, I got the call that changed everything forever.
I think you would understand completely right now, and we could just sit on the phone, listening to each other's breath, together but not together, totally connected... You would say the exact right thing and, even though it wouldn't change what actually is, I would feel a bit more space in this desire... even though it would probably be a bunch of BS-- just like it was when you told me that I wasn't a bad girlfriend-- I would believe you...
I roll over, trying to flip this switch off-- to feel the space next to me, above me, behind me, around me, and inside me... to remind me of you, and what it feels like to be a little less alone, and what it might feel like not to feel like this-- like I can definitely not ask this...
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