Dear you (day by day)

Dear you,

Day by day, I crawl through this experience... Moment by moment trying to survive in the now; returning to behaviors of the past; trying not to think of the future; surprising even myself...
I keep thinking it will get easier; like something will turn over and I will be over you...
and it will and I will, with time.
But that time is not today....
I keep thinking you'll start hearing me, respecting me, and understanding...
and you will, with time.
But not today...
I know this intellectually, but my body aches against that intellectual knowledge, feeling the pain of each word...
And I know you know how hurtful it all is, which is like pouring salt in the wounds, just for good measure.
I keep thinking- If only I could find the right words, response, gesture, to help you to know how hard this is for me too, how painful it is on this side of the invisible fence...
If I could just remind you that there is no fence, that you aren't a victim, and that there is no war or dilemma... That this love was real beyond anything either of us had felt.... 
and you will know that...
but not today...

Love, Me