Cora the Performer
  • About me
  • Upcoming Performances
  • Performance Videos
  • Publications and Reviews
  • Contact Me!
  • Musings
  • Project Bring the Happy!

Fitting and Ironic

3/23/2013

0 Comments

 
It seems fitting and ironic (in that Alanis Morissette kind of way) that the last thing I wrote so many years ago in this tiny red journal that I only use when traveling was about you.... before we met and long before you noticed me, if we are to go on the assumption that you ever did notice me; because it took me approaching you, and even then it's suspect that you ever did...

I wish I could hate you or say you were mean or unkind in some way, but I can't because I don't and you weren't... yet... You just never noticed me. It's almost like I am a silhouette of undetermined form with obvious edges but no details; yet I know it's the details that make me so good. But you can't see the details, and I want to say it's ok, that you just kind of wasted my time ignoring those beautiful details, like you waste food and yourself... But deep down I know I deserve more and it's not ok, and I am so angry at you for wasting those details... 

 It seems fitting and ironic (in that Alanis Morissette kind of way) that your driving music and your sex music are the same. And it is fitting that my sex music and my emo writing music are the same... That I sit here, reading words I wrote so long ago, wishing I could make these differences into similarities or align our completely different psyches in some other way... So fitting that my attempts to avoid this feeling-- this space-- have been complete failures... That I sit here now, so many years later, feeling this feeling... surviving it anyway...

It seems fitting that the one time we made love was not under the veil of connection, but more when we realized that it was never going to happen but still decided to travel down that road that we both knew would end in a cliff. You knew you would survive, because you could bail out, sail, or fly to safety.... leaving me here- where I always knew I would end up.

And for some reason it seems fitting and ironic (in that Alanis Morissette kind of way) that I want more than anything not to leave you, even though I should and perhaps need to.... because I have been trained to love people who only see my silhouette; people whose favorite picture is that red one that provides no detail but a general feeling of numb nothing.... much like this blog, vague and obscure... detailing the detail-less ending of this vague and obscure affair.
0 Comments

Your comment will be posted after it is approved.


Leave a Reply.

    Picture

    Cora Leighton

    Thoughts about womyn, bodies, performance, life, play, and general randomness.
    If you think things are about you-- they probably aren't.

    Archives

    August 2017
    June 2017
    June 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    April 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    November 2014
    October 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    January 2013
    October 2012
    May 2012
    February 2012
    January 2012
    December 2011
    November 2011
    October 2011
    August 2011
    July 2011
    April 2011
    January 2011
    December 2010
    November 2010
    October 2010
    September 2010

    Categories

    All

    RSS Feed

Proudly powered by Weebly