Cora the Performer
  • About me
  • Femme Seeks
  • Musings
  • Upcoming Performances
  • Performance Videos
  • Publications and Reviews
  • Contact Me!

Remembering Kristen

4/2/2013

2 Comments

 
Picture
The last time I saw her, in NY.
Two in a row.... rough week.... I wrote this about two years ago, right after Kristen killed herself. I met Kristen at Carrie's funeral. She had been close friends with Carrie, but they had a falling out before Carrie killed herself... She was so beautiful, so happy appearing, so sweet, and so smart... And so cool. Everyone who met her loved her instantly. She ended up moving to LA shortly after we met, and we became friends. She was there for every step of the way for the transplant.... She helped me fundraise... She drove me and chattered endlessly as Pai Tama and I sat scared shitless.... she came to visit every day I was in the hospital. She came to Nikki and Karl's to visit after I left the hospital... She was there when Pai Tama came to the ER.... She tried to get me info when he was in a coma and his mom had blocked his records... and she was there for his funeral. She was such an amazing support. I loved her so much...

10 Days before she killed herself I noticed something on her facebook. I called her and said "You need to call me right now, because I love you and you are not allowed to go." She called me back and said everything was fine... It's just song lyrics... And then she hanged herself. A huge part of my heart left with her... I still have no idea what to say or how to process this really... I feel like it is some murder mystery cover up. I miss her every day, and think so often about how freely she gave her heart. I have thought a lot about that recently. She gave her heart so freely. And she got hurt so much. I was so angry for the first year. I mean, there were hundreds and hundreds of people (if not a thousand) at her two memorials... How could she have not known how loved she was? How could she do that to us???  But lately I have felt empathy... It's easy to feel like no one loves you... Like you are really utterly alone, after all of the people who have died.... But I try to remember that.... You probably aren't alone... and as my friend recently said "at least you know you still have a heart and are capable of love." But sometimes that capability to love and give your heart ends with you feeling thrown away, rejected, or broken and alone...  I wish she had've known how many people loved her so much. I wish she could have seen it. I miss you sweet Kristen. I will always have a hole in my life in your shape. xoxoxox

Krissa Amore

Today I went to the gym wearing your sports bra. It was the one you gave me
after you got breast implants, causing it to be too small for you.
It's pink and the perfect size for my natural breasts. It's pink and so
different than anything I would buy for myself, yet it fits so perfectly that it
is my favorite.

So,  I ran, feeling my
breath fill my lungs, your sports bra holding my chest tightly.... in and out;
in and out; in and out.... like the time we made out after too many vodka
redbulls... grasping each other in panicked desperation for something to hold
onto.

Do you remember that night at Girl Bar?
We went there because I wanted to be around women and you knew the bartender. I
think you had made out with her too, but probably because Jimmy Joe was
involved.... as that was your name for the singer for that band who had a
vineyard and doesn't drink but instead has orgies with tons of young and
sometimes underage girls at his secluded home in Arizona or New Mexico.


We stood at the bar and there was a woman who
knew you and was obsessed with you. She hit on you in a semi-creepy way, as I
let my eyes wander around, searching for some butch to make my dreams come true.
That girl who hit on you reminded me of my news reporter ex stalker, and I
looked around some more, dissatisfied with the eye candy, but happy just to be
with you... laughing and creating memories.

We
danced and some gay boy stopped us to tell us that we were the sexiest women
there and that we were the best dancers. You told me about how you had been a
lesbian in High school and we went across the street to have another
drink, just seeing the seen and being seen in WeHo.


When we got back to your place, you were
disappointed. You wondered why no one had hit on you. I felt like I was in some
kind of twilight zone, because all I remembered was people hitting on you. We
laid on your living room floor, for what reason, I cannot remember... and for
some reason I needed to kiss you. I needed to know what your lips would feel
like on mine, and I needed you to feel the love I had for
you....

It wasn't a romantic love or a sexual
love... instead, it was more of a Cat on a Hot Tin Roof kind of love. Like when
Jade and Carrie had an affair in an attempt to be with me. Or when he and I
dated to be with her. You and I made out so that we could love
you...
 
And like so many before and
after, I did, but you never caught up. Instead, you just wondered why no
one loved you... Instead, you hated you, trying ocassionally to fix you via
implants, excessive working out, more photos, random starvation diets, and any
man who would look your way...

and no matter
how much I could love you, it wasn't enough...


So, I am left now with this pink sports bra...
grasping onto my chest, my lungs, my breath, my
grief...

in and out; in and out; in and out... 


Picture
2 Comments
Jamie
11/5/2018 07:21:19 pm

I found this post unintentionally. You understood Kristen more than most. I knew her for a long time - and I miss her so much. She mentioned you to me several times but we never met. Reading these posts, I am so glad she had someone else who really understood her. She has so many people in her life who were so toxic and just took anything she had to give. Even though this was written long ago, I am glad to have come across it tonight when Kristen was on my mind.

Reply
Cora
3/11/2019 06:40:35 pm

I'm sorry I didn't see this until now. I am sporadic in my emo writing.... I know she talked about you too.... Been thinking about her a lot lately. Missing her always.

Reply

Your comment will be posted after it is approved.


Leave a Reply.

    Picture

    Cora Leighton

    Thoughts about womyn, bodies, performance, life, play, and general randomness.
    If you think things are about you-- they probably aren't.

    Archives

    July 2020
    April 2020
    February 2020
    October 2019
    June 2019
    March 2019
    August 2018
    April 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    September 2017
    August 2017
    June 2017
    June 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    April 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    November 2014
    October 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    January 2013
    October 2012
    May 2012
    February 2012
    January 2012
    December 2011
    November 2011
    October 2011
    August 2011
    July 2011
    April 2011
    January 2011
    December 2010
    November 2010
    October 2010
    September 2010

    Categories

    All

    RSS Feed

Proudly powered by Weebly