10 Days before she killed herself I noticed something on her facebook. I called her and said "You need to call me right now, because I love you and you are not allowed to go." She called me back and said everything was fine... It's just song lyrics... And then she hanged herself. A huge part of my heart left with her... I still have no idea what to say or how to process this really... I feel like it is some murder mystery cover up. I miss her every day, and think so often about how freely she gave her heart. I have thought a lot about that recently. She gave her heart so freely. And she got hurt so much. I was so angry for the first year. I mean, there were hundreds and hundreds of people (if not a thousand) at her two memorials... How could she have not known how loved she was? How could she do that to us??? But lately I have felt empathy... It's easy to feel like no one loves you... Like you are really utterly alone, after all of the people who have died.... But I try to remember that.... You probably aren't alone... and as my friend recently said "at least you know you still have a heart and are capable of love." But sometimes that capability to love and give your heart ends with you feeling thrown away, rejected, or broken and alone... I wish she had've known how many people loved her so much. I wish she could have seen it. I miss you sweet Kristen. I will always have a hole in my life in your shape. xoxoxox
Today I went to the gym wearing your sports bra. It was the one you gave me
after you got breast implants, causing it to be too small for you.
It's pink and the perfect size for my natural breasts. It's pink and so
different than anything I would buy for myself, yet it fits so perfectly that it
is my favorite.
So, I ran, feeling my
breath fill my lungs, your sports bra holding my chest tightly.... in and out;
in and out; in and out.... like the time we made out after too many vodka
redbulls... grasping each other in panicked desperation for something to hold
Do you remember that night at Girl Bar?
We went there because I wanted to be around women and you knew the bartender. I
think you had made out with her too, but probably because Jimmy Joe was
involved.... as that was your name for the singer for that band who had a
vineyard and doesn't drink but instead has orgies with tons of young and
sometimes underage girls at his secluded home in Arizona or New Mexico.
We stood at the bar and there was a woman who
knew you and was obsessed with you. She hit on you in a semi-creepy way, as I
let my eyes wander around, searching for some butch to make my dreams come true.
That girl who hit on you reminded me of my news reporter ex stalker, and I
looked around some more, dissatisfied with the eye candy, but happy just to be
with you... laughing and creating memories.
danced and some gay boy stopped us to tell us that we were the sexiest women
there and that we were the best dancers. You told me about how you had been a
lesbian in High school and we went across the street to have another
drink, just seeing the seen and being seen in WeHo.
When we got back to your place, you were
disappointed. You wondered why no one had hit on you. I felt like I was in some
kind of twilight zone, because all I remembered was people hitting on you. We
laid on your living room floor, for what reason, I cannot remember... and for
some reason I needed to kiss you. I needed to know what your lips would feel
like on mine, and I needed you to feel the love I had for
It wasn't a romantic love or a sexual
love... instead, it was more of a Cat on a Hot Tin Roof kind of love. Like when
Jade and Carrie had an affair in an attempt to be with me. Or when he and I
dated to be with her. You and I made out so that we could love
And like so many before and
after, I did, but you never caught up. Instead, you just wondered why no
one loved you... Instead, you hated you, trying ocassionally to fix you via
implants, excessive working out, more photos, random starvation diets, and any
man who would look your way...
and no matter
how much I could love you, it wasn't enough...
So, I am left now with this pink sports bra...
grasping onto my chest, my lungs, my breath, my
in and out; in and out; in and out...