Skin on skin; lover to lover

As I walk through the cobblestone streets of my late teen years, I remember walking these streets in the rain in 1995, trying so hard to shut it down. The wind blows and I hear only the quiet rustling of leaves in the old cemeteries. The streets are empty and the cold nips at my neck, like the ghosts of past lovers.
I remember 18 year old me trying to turn off her feelings; shut down her heart.

Skin on skin

Lover to lover.

Twenty five years later I feel the uneven surface of the cobblestone, hear the crunching of fall leaves under my boots, and ache with the sinking in my chest.

I know I will never be that cold.

You lied every time you said my feelings mattered.

Skin on skin.

Lover to lover.

You lied every time you looked in my eyes and kissed me deeply.

Skin on skin.

Lover to lover.

You lied every time you said you loved me.

Skin on skin.

Lover to lover.

Drops of rain hit my cheek and my chest throbs with pain. My breath is tight from grief and loss.

I think about the beauty of the history within each stone; each building; each structure. I think of all the broken hearted people who have walked these same streets; about the possibilities of spirits walking next to me, within me.

And 42 year old me forgives the me of 25 years ago for trying to shut it down. Because as much as this hurts, I am so grateful that I could never be that cruel to anyone else. I know my tender heart is what brings beauty to the world; brings kindness, silliness and softness to the day and night.

Skin on skin.

Lover to lover.