it reads... Yet I return to you, curl into you, long for you, wish for you, try to make you happy... so, struggle will always be there; if not my identity, a very close twin or clone.
I still have this text from you... well it's a screen capture really. It says "I miss you too." It's eerie in some ways because there is nothing else in the screen; just those words. I had deleted the thread minutes, hours, days before you sent it because I couldn't handle seeing my words out there, reaching out endlessly, with no response... It felt like we had been playing a game of catch, and I had been following the rules: throwing the ball to the person across the field, but as soon as I threw the ball, the other person was gone... disappeared like someone in a dream... and then suddenly there again, though I knew it wasn't for long.
This text reminds me that you are the something big that will never happen in my life. You are the dream I dreamt for one year or more, thinking I could be someone I am not-- someone you could love; someone lovable. Thinking that chemistry equaled connection and that you would one day be capable of, willing to, interested in...
But you are not.
So now I drift back to the days, hours, moments leading up to April 2nd, 3 years ago. Emo lyrics posted on facebook... phone call from one astute friend.... disable facebook... change phone number... and then what? Change identity, run away in a 1970's air stream, renovated to be just enough hipster, just enough punk, and just enough womyn loving womyn to fulfill all of my hopes and dreams.
But what will come of the student loans and the cats?