I feel lost in it, like when I was 19, dropping acid every night, working as a stripper at a tiny dive bar called "Centerfolds" in South Philly, dating dudes, and secretly in love with my best friend. I remember sitting in the quad
at American University, where she went to college, and where I was always so obviously a visitor; an outsider clad in all black and a sadness that would make emo kids jealous, in comparison to the snow white abercrombie students concerned more with getting drunk or going to class than dropping acid with their secret lesbian loves. I suddenly realized that I was in it because of my own inaction. I was there because I was keeping myself there. The icy cold wind was keeping me numb to it all and keeping everything at a glacier's pace of slow motion, like when you stay out playing in the snow too long as a child and everything becomes so slow that you need your mom to call you inside so you don't die of frost bite. "I feel so lost, I can't even see the light to figure out which way is up," I said to her.
And 3 weeks later I moved. I created the action I needed to propel myself out of that abyss.
And 16 years later, almost to the day, I find myself here again and not again-- the same with completely different circumstances. The only difference is that I can't figure out what action might bring me back to sea level. The only difference is that I am 16 years more cynical, and there is not enough acid in the world to cut through that shell of push/pull relationships and unrealized desires.
I want to reach across the abyss that we have created-- both of us afraid of the other... I want to reach out and hold your hand; hold you and cuddle like we did that one time when neither of us expected it. I want not to be afraid of myself with you; want you not to fear yourself with me...
But instead, there's just this abyss of cryptic messages and feelings left unsaid. I want to look up and say to her "I feel so lost, I can't even see the light to figure out which way is up," and then magically understand what I need to say and do to make this ok... to make my heart hurt less... to make you feel safe with me... to make all of the pain and suffering of our histories vanish like we were 19 years old and didn't yet know what it felt like to lose friends, lovers, family, and community.... to make our 19 year old selfs not know the disfunction and suffering they carried forth to our 30-something selfs...
So tonight, for the 19 year old goth girl, I will hope that the answer is not to disappear as it was so many times before and say, "I feel so lost, I can't even see the light to figure out which way is up."
at American University, where she went to college, and where I was always so obviously a visitor; an outsider clad in all black and a sadness that would make emo kids jealous, in comparison to the snow white abercrombie students concerned more with getting drunk or going to class than dropping acid with their secret lesbian loves. I suddenly realized that I was in it because of my own inaction. I was there because I was keeping myself there. The icy cold wind was keeping me numb to it all and keeping everything at a glacier's pace of slow motion, like when you stay out playing in the snow too long as a child and everything becomes so slow that you need your mom to call you inside so you don't die of frost bite. "I feel so lost, I can't even see the light to figure out which way is up," I said to her.
And 3 weeks later I moved. I created the action I needed to propel myself out of that abyss.
And 16 years later, almost to the day, I find myself here again and not again-- the same with completely different circumstances. The only difference is that I can't figure out what action might bring me back to sea level. The only difference is that I am 16 years more cynical, and there is not enough acid in the world to cut through that shell of push/pull relationships and unrealized desires.
I want to reach across the abyss that we have created-- both of us afraid of the other... I want to reach out and hold your hand; hold you and cuddle like we did that one time when neither of us expected it. I want not to be afraid of myself with you; want you not to fear yourself with me...
But instead, there's just this abyss of cryptic messages and feelings left unsaid. I want to look up and say to her "I feel so lost, I can't even see the light to figure out which way is up," and then magically understand what I need to say and do to make this ok... to make my heart hurt less... to make you feel safe with me... to make all of the pain and suffering of our histories vanish like we were 19 years old and didn't yet know what it felt like to lose friends, lovers, family, and community.... to make our 19 year old selfs not know the disfunction and suffering they carried forth to our 30-something selfs...
So tonight, for the 19 year old goth girl, I will hope that the answer is not to disappear as it was so many times before and say, "I feel so lost, I can't even see the light to figure out which way is up."
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