Six months ago, this day felt so far away it felt like another lifetime, another world, another existence. And in many ways it is.
Six months ago I was still under the delusion that you weren't an asshole. I was still convinced it was just an excuse for poor behavior (which is basically the same thing). But today I know you just wanted me to believe that so that I would pour myself all over you trying to convince you to love me, believing that one day you would somehow show up and just love me and we would finally be something real. But I didn't. You didn't. And we weren't. Despite any bullshit of which you have tried to convince me and yourself.
She asked what it would be like to forgive you and I had no answer but tears. I have had you listed in my phone as "forgive her" for months. Yet I do not, but then again, you have never actually apologized, and even though I doubt I would believe you, it would be nice to hear... I do all of the other things-- speak kindly of you, unblock you, send you all the loving kindness I can muster. And I think this must be what she feels like three years later.... Holding tight to the resentment, repeating "I have no resentment" over and over and over. But we both know that's a lie.
I didn't think this is how I would feel three years later, she/I must be thinking.
I wanted to apologize to you because I wasn't able to love you like you needed me to and like you loved me. I know now how that feels. I wanted to thank you for all the sweet gestures-- the flowers, the dapper dress-up nights, the trips to ice cream, the home cooked meals, the roses on the bed and the weekend trips even though we were both so poor. I'm sorry I couldn't see that as your love language. I'm sorry I couldn't communicate that or other important sentiments. I'm sorry it took being with someone who treated me like shit and made me question my own self worth for almost 2 years to make me realize how hard it must have been to be with me over that year.
So much time has passed between that broken heart and this one. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever feel whole again, if I will ever be able to trust again, feel lovable again.
And then I realize how strange it is that I feel like this right now- only 6 months later.. Only 6.5 years later... Only 11 years later.... And I grasp onto the tortoise shell of time trying to remember that even right now I am, I can, and I do.
Six months ago I was still under the delusion that you weren't an asshole. I was still convinced it was just an excuse for poor behavior (which is basically the same thing). But today I know you just wanted me to believe that so that I would pour myself all over you trying to convince you to love me, believing that one day you would somehow show up and just love me and we would finally be something real. But I didn't. You didn't. And we weren't. Despite any bullshit of which you have tried to convince me and yourself.
She asked what it would be like to forgive you and I had no answer but tears. I have had you listed in my phone as "forgive her" for months. Yet I do not, but then again, you have never actually apologized, and even though I doubt I would believe you, it would be nice to hear... I do all of the other things-- speak kindly of you, unblock you, send you all the loving kindness I can muster. And I think this must be what she feels like three years later.... Holding tight to the resentment, repeating "I have no resentment" over and over and over. But we both know that's a lie.
I didn't think this is how I would feel three years later, she/I must be thinking.
I wanted to apologize to you because I wasn't able to love you like you needed me to and like you loved me. I know now how that feels. I wanted to thank you for all the sweet gestures-- the flowers, the dapper dress-up nights, the trips to ice cream, the home cooked meals, the roses on the bed and the weekend trips even though we were both so poor. I'm sorry I couldn't see that as your love language. I'm sorry I couldn't communicate that or other important sentiments. I'm sorry it took being with someone who treated me like shit and made me question my own self worth for almost 2 years to make me realize how hard it must have been to be with me over that year.
So much time has passed between that broken heart and this one. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever feel whole again, if I will ever be able to trust again, feel lovable again.
And then I realize how strange it is that I feel like this right now- only 6 months later.. Only 6.5 years later... Only 11 years later.... And I grasp onto the tortoise shell of time trying to remember that even right now I am, I can, and I do.
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