time you bullshitted your way through a story or two about how awesome you are or virile or slutty or mean or whatever you want to be in that moment-- but I digress...
You just surround yourself with people who don't call you out on your lies. You always boast of this as if it's a skill.... and I guess it kind of is... you learned this at some point in childhood and never learned something better. You are excellent at picking people, like me, who are too scared of losing you to say anything... I can say this with certainty because I too used to pride myself on my lies and then I stopped seeing it as something of which to be proud... So, now I see you, hear you and just think it's sad. But not as sad as me staying.
I saw that word glowing from your cell phone and I suddenly imagined what it would be like to be with her. Or really anyone; she was just the cutest, sweetest butch I had talked to that night.... I thought about what it would be like to be with someone who expresses care in a way that doesn't make me feel like shit; like a whore; like a small school boi with a benefactor. She leans in, and tilts her head. She tells you funny things; reveals small moments. She kisses you deeply and you don't imagine that depth that leaves you pulsing and jittery. But she does more than that... She also cries with you when you cry... she hears you when you finally get the guts to speak a need. She hears you so deeply that you find it easier and easier to reveal these truths... She treats you, herself, and the world with a kindness you admire. She is happy and looks forward, while taking the lessons from the past to make her a better person. She is working to be a better person, and she makes you want to be a better person (as cheesy as that is and as much as you imagine this as one of your vows at your wedding).
Once upon a time, I thought you might be her. There was this split second moment about 4 months ago when I thought that might be something that could evolve... And then I saw those words:
And then there were thousands of moments that reminded me subtly and obviously that you are not; never have been; and never will be capable of the simple kindness I deserve....
And then there was this split second while we stood, smoked, drank, and talked that I thought maybe she could be that... I don't even know her, so it's easy to imagine.
And suddenly I am lost in that blurry, shiny line.