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Things I learned on my 10 day Facebook retreat

2/20/2012

2 Comments

 
I feel like I need to process a bit about my 10 day FB retreat. It was totally different than I expected. It was really good, in the end. I have been able to disconnect a bit from FB. I don't check it as often, and I don't feel obsessed about it as much as I was. So, these are my thoughts (in random listy form, of course):

1- It was painful at first. The internet in all of its forms has been a gift to me. When I have felt so completely alone, I have been able to make community via the internet. It has really gotten me through some tough times.

2- That said, it has always been the cause of communication issues. I fear I use FB or other forums to avoid real human contact. FB can feed my social anxiety. FB can also lend to communication issues.

3- After some time (maybe 3 or 4 days), I stopped obsessing. I didn't need to post or check in constantly. By day 8, I almost didn't notice. I got ready far faster in the mornings and went to bed much quicker too.

4- So, what did I miss? Not surprisingly, I missed hearing what was up with my friends. I wanted to know what they were doing and how they were. I am sure I missed b-days, and other important announcements. That was hard. I wish people had've been able to contact me about these things, but I know that would be impossible. I have a few friends not on FB, and I find I just don't keep up with them. FB is the land of the tiny, everyday.... I love the tiny everyday stuff. That's what makes me feel close with others. So, not getting that was the hardest part.

5- What was surprising? It made me think about how I engage in my relationships with others. I realized that FB changes the way I engage in starting, and more, ending friendships. In the pre-FB days, I just ended a friendship if it wasn't working for me. I would stop communication without a big fucking deal. Or, if it was a closer friendship, I might have a discussion. Ending friendships is often hard for me. I value my connections with others. As people have died, I find I am more and more hesitant to end friendships. I have lost so many people to disease, drugs, and depression... I don't want to lose more, unless it's truly the right thing for me...
     But, FB has blurred those boundaries. It's so much more of a big deal to end a friendship-- no matter how small. Perhaps that's a bit self-absorbed. Who am I to say that these people even notice my disappearance? I just feel those ended friendships so much more. To "unfriend" someone seems like a bigger deal that just stopping communication.
 
6- The other thing I realized is that before FB, I might not notice certain aspects of someone's personality.... now those aspects are magnified. When someone says something sexist or racist or homophobic or classist, I see it. On one hand, that's a good thing. I don't want to be friends with people like that. On the other hand, I feel really torn about the fact that there are people I think I genuinely like whose FB personalities totally suck.... I don't like debating, so when someone posts something effed up, I don't really want to confront them about it. That said, I think it's a good opportunity for discussion. But, I am so bad at articulating myself and others often jump to conclusions (so do I...). Conflict happens.
      These conflicts seem important to me. I don't believe that it's *just* FB or that conflict on FB is "drama." In fact, I think that kind of statement completely disregards the impact of social media on our methods of communication. I think that statements like that are dismissive. Yet, I still struggle with that kind of thought myself. I wonder if it's my standpoint-- I am on the cusp between the generation that hardly uses FB and the generation that uses it for everything. And that is a hard place to be.... I don't always know how my friends feel about it. Was that discussion just FB drama to them or something more important? When is the appropriate time to approach a friend to discuss a conflict that started on FB? I truly struggle with the answers to these questions.

I guess, in the end, I came up with no answers. There are people I am considering deleting.... Some are acquaintances I don't really want to see anymore. Others are people I consider good friends, and in order to preserve the friendship, I think that it shouldn't be on FB.... It's those relationships with which I really struggle. I know I am more analytical about these things than many, but I also know that this analyzing is what will help me to be more balanced about my connections now and into the future. :)
2 Comments
Britta
2/20/2012 11:21:23 am

I like hearing your thoughts, Cora. XOXO

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Charlotte link
2/21/2012 04:08:34 am

Thanks for sharing this great post and talking about your FB break. As you know, I struggle with the same issue. And what you say in the last part really resonates with me. I can seem to quit FB but do I delete the friends who live within a 50 mile reality radius of me and force them to have a real life relationship with me. and then miss out on any social gatherings that only seem to be posted on FB? Funny how we have so many forms to communicate with each other but no really really talks to anyone anymore. when i was 12 i would spend hours talking on the phone and now it is so hard to call people. i have been trying to call one person everyday but only seem to manage to call a friend once a week. good luck Cora and keep me posted!

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    Cora Leighton

    Thoughts about womyn, bodies, performance, life, play, and general randomness.
    If you think things are about you-- they probably aren't.

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