A year ago, I existed in your world physically; pretending I fit, but knowing I did not. I remember laying in your bed, writing about something I entitled "the true story of what was and is." It was all about the myths you told yourself about what things were like when we were 19, 21, 23, and beyond. It was all about the myths you continue to tell yourself about those times and now... In order to support the ultimate myth that how you act is ok; not mean....
It reminded me that I was not insane, despite everything you and your friend did to convince me that your truth was my truth, and the real truth. And I wanted that to be true because if it was, I could believe that you actually did love me, and that your fucked up behavior wasn't as fucked up and self-supporting as it was.
I remember writing that I had always told myself I would not be one of those stupid grrls that fell for your bullshit; supporting your ultimate myth of victimhood with passive voice sentences and pathetic half-truths... and how I was, at that moment, one of those stupid fucking girls. I felt like the worst feminist in the world not only for thinking of those womyn who fell for your bullshit as stupid, but also for being one of those stupid girls.
But the "True Story of What Was and Is" is now gone; deleted in a desperate attempt to free up space on my hard drive, both physically and metaphorically.
It's a shame, because I think it was pretty smart.
So, that's how I ended up here, reminicing about 1 year ago... sad and pissed off; wishing I didn't give a shit; knowing that I made the right decision; dreaming of others; cleansing myself of you.... finally not falling into the trap that all stupid girls seem to fall into...
moving on.
and that is the true story of what was and is....
It reminded me that I was not insane, despite everything you and your friend did to convince me that your truth was my truth, and the real truth. And I wanted that to be true because if it was, I could believe that you actually did love me, and that your fucked up behavior wasn't as fucked up and self-supporting as it was.
I remember writing that I had always told myself I would not be one of those stupid grrls that fell for your bullshit; supporting your ultimate myth of victimhood with passive voice sentences and pathetic half-truths... and how I was, at that moment, one of those stupid fucking girls. I felt like the worst feminist in the world not only for thinking of those womyn who fell for your bullshit as stupid, but also for being one of those stupid girls.
But the "True Story of What Was and Is" is now gone; deleted in a desperate attempt to free up space on my hard drive, both physically and metaphorically.
It's a shame, because I think it was pretty smart.
So, that's how I ended up here, reminicing about 1 year ago... sad and pissed off; wishing I didn't give a shit; knowing that I made the right decision; dreaming of others; cleansing myself of you.... finally not falling into the trap that all stupid girls seem to fall into...
moving on.
and that is the true story of what was and is....
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